The instructor introduced herself. “After my husband and I finished raising our children, we decided to adopt. We are now home schooling our adopted children.”
My ears perked up. Oh, no. The room disappeared—like a scene from a movie in which everything goes dark except the spotlight centered on the main character. I never heard another word the instructor spoke.
I sensed God’s presence and picked a fight. You do remember who you are talking to? I planned on being a career woman. I wanted TWO children. I am now raising three. And you have me at home with them—home schooling, no less. I am not motherly—that requires warmth, kindness and a caring disposition, of which I possess none. I am a mediocre parent, at best. I barely finish each day with my sanity in tact and the children unscathed.
He couldn’t possibly be talking to me. This was major. A big deal! How can I handle another child? I am already messing up three of them. I went on and on stating my case.
I must have sat in the wrong seat – God was definitely talking to the wrong person. I had received someone else’s message. That must be it!
God did not budge. He listened, but did not change His mind. My rational arguments did not work. He patiently waited while I spilled my guts, but did not give me the out I was looking for. So, after I had exhausted my list of excuses, I gave up and gave in. I took a deep breath, blew it out and said, Lord, I would rather reluctantly stand in the center of Your will than tell You no.
When the session ended, I made a beeline for the ladies room. I locked myself into the handicap stall. I had held back the tears for half an hour, and the dam burst. I sobbed – as quietly as I could so as not to disturb my “neighbors.” What God was asking began to soak in. How did I get to this point? I am content with my three boys. I love my life. And, now I am walking on rocky ground again. As the tears dropped, so did my desires. I loosened my grip on my life and let go of the craving to stay comfortable. I wanted to start this journey with a willing spirit.
I pulled myself together and left the ladies room. When I met up with Don, he said, “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you.” (This was before we had cell phones.) I stated quickly, “We are going to adopt and I don’t want to talk about it.”
For His Glory!